Unhealthy relationships

Our relationships are places to love and be loved, to seek and give support, to learn, to grow, and to change in exciting and positive ways. Relationships are also where we can be our honest and open selves and expect to be supported and loved for who we are.

This page goes hand in hand with Our Relationships, which talks about what healthy relationships can look like, and how to find new relationships, affirm your gender in existing relationships, and leave relationships that aren’t working any more. This page looks at what unhealthy relationships can look like, what to look out for if you’re unsure, and how to seek support if you think your relationship may be unhealthy.

A relationship being unhealthy is different from it being abusive or violent, though abusive and violent relationships are also unhealthy.  This page is not about relationships that are unsafe or abusive. If you are feeling unsafe in any of your relationships, or you feel like you are always ‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner, read more at our pages about Domestic and Family Violence, and Sexual Assault and Coercion.

To develop this page, we worked with the ACON team responsible for Say it Out Loud and who lead ACON’s work addressing sexual, domestic and family violence in LGBTQ+ communities.

Unhealthy relationships can look different ways for everyone. For some people it might mean fighting more, or just not feeling a ‘spark’ anymore. Sometimes you and your partner can make changes to your relationship to help make it healthier, and other times you might choose to leave the relationship.

You may know why the relationship isn’t healthy, or it could relate to something you both recognise but struggle to name, or to find a solution for.

Not every relationship that has conflict, difficulty, or problems is an unhealthy one. An unhealthy relationship is when issues become a pattern or a habit.

Some unhealthy relationships can become healthy over time and with work, others may not get better no matter how much you try. Some relationships may have all of the ‘ingredients’ of a healthy one, but you may still feel like you want to end the relationship. You’re not failing if a relationship doesn’t end up working or being good for you, and you’re allowed to leave.

Unhealthy relationships can be hard to identify, but here are some clues you might be in one:

• We don’t spend quality time together,

• I’d rather spend time with friends,

• We don’t laugh anymore,

• They don’t support me to do the things I want to do,

• We aren’t growing and developing together,

• We don’t listen to each other,

• We don’t have anything in common,

• Our values are different,

• Neither of us do the things we used to enjoy anymore etc.

Noticing when things feel unhealthy or unbalanced allows us to do regular check-ups for our relationships to make sure they’re healthy, sustainable and empowering. No matter what’s going on in our lives, including navigating gender affirmation and coming out, you deserve for the relationships you are in to be healthy ones.

ACON’s Say It Out Loud talks about the many ways trans people can assess if our relationships are healthy and fulfilling, and be better friends and partners to others. It’s important to remember that everyone deserves to be respected and safe in all their relationships, including being heard, trusted and supported, and not being objectified or put down. Say It Out Loud includes a page all about making our relationships healthier. Transfemme is a great resource about healthier relationships between trans women/femmes & cis men.

If you’re concerned about an abusive or violent relationship, read more at our pages about Domestic and Family Violence, and Sexual Assault and Coercion. Help is also available through the Inner City Legal Centre’s Safe Relationships Project. They also offer a state-wide free legal service for trans and gender diverse people.

Not every relationship that has bad days, moments, hiccups, or stresses is unhealthy.

People in relationships sometimes fight, or blow up at one another, or take out an unrelated emotion or stressor on each other. These can be difficult, and even quite hurtful, but if they’re one-offs or rare occasions, it’s possibly external or unrelated stress that one or both of you need to work on.

If a pattern of behaviour emerges, or a problem keeps coming up or getting worse, that may be an indication that things are unhealthy or that the relationship could be abusive.

Try keeping a journal or diary of when things get bad, and what sets it off - who does what, who gets hurt, who has to apologise? In a healthy relationship this list won’t always be empty, but there won’t be any noticeable patterns of behaviour. However, if the same issues keep coming up, or all of your arguments play out in similar ways,  that could be an indication of an ongoing issue.

It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to be fighting for your relationship to be unhealthy. You might just be feeling like you aren’t getting enough quality time, or that you aren’t getting the support that you need from your partner or partners.

You can also talk to your partner about your worries and see what they think, are they seeing the same issues? This doesn’t have to be a ‘fight’. Together you can explore things like:

• What are the best things about our relationship?

• How has our relationship changed over time?

• What are our hopes for our relationship?

• What would we like to work on about our relationship?

If the idea of talking to your partner about your relationship makes you feel very scared or anxious about what they will do, this could be an indication that your relationship is not safe. You can read more on our Intimate Partner Violence page.

If you’re still unsure, or if you’re not feeling ready to talk to your partner, go to a trusted health professional, therapist or counsellor and allow someone else to help. It can be beneficial to simply be able to talk without worrying about where that information might go, and a professional can give you some ideas or tips about what you can do next.

Having a trusted friend you can talk to about this, and lay out your feelings and thoughts without worry, can also be great. Friends can also be your first port of call if you end up wanting to leave the relationship or need help to intervene before it gets worse.

Say It Out Loud also has an ‘Are you in a healthy relationship?’ quiz you can do anonymously, to help get you thinking about your relationship.