Sex can mean a lot of different things to different people. Maybe it’s something you only do with one person, or something you do with lots of different people. Maybe you’re super clear about what you want and are into, or you might just be trying to figure it all out right now.
The kinds of sex trans people have, has often been considered less real, less enjoyable, and even ‘not sex’ at all. This happens for others across the LGBTQ+ rainbow as well. The relationships we have with our bodies, and our wants and needs, can also be compounded by gender dysphoria, for those that experience it. All of this can complicate sex even further.
Sex isn’t a part of everyone’s lives, whether that’s because they aren’t interested in it, aren’t having it right now, or haven’t found someone they want to have sex with. Even if you’re not into it, thinking about what you don’t want is still a great way of checking in and making sure you’re looking after yourself.
This section is about what sex is, and how it relates to trans bodies and sexuality. An important part of our sexual lives is sexual health, for more information head to our Sexual Health page.
What even is sex?
Illustration by Hilde Atalanta/You’re Welcome Club
Society has a lot of ideas about what sex is and isn’t, and that idea usually involves a penis, a vagina, and some insertive and receptive business. Let’s unpack that…
Consensual sex acts that involve mouths, hands, and other body parts on, in or away from genitals, are often not considered ‘real’ sex, but as soon as someone is doing something they’re not supposed to (like cheating), the definition of sex suddenly becomes very broad indeed. This tells us that there are very flexible definitions of what sex can be.
When it comes to our bodies and sex lives, the truth is no one can tell you what is and isn’t sex. No matter what you’re doing, if two (or more) people are getting up to something and everyone involved thinks it’s consensual sex… it’s probably sex. You get to be the judge on this one, and that’s pretty excellent.
Sex and trans bodies
While sex is something that anyone with any kind of body can do, it’s really normal to feel uneasy approaching sex as a trans person. Being trans doesn’t mean we hate our bodies but lots of us have parts of our body that we don’t like, and this can make the idea of sex a bit daunting.
There are no rules that say you have to use particular body parts in certain ways. Sex might mean feeling comfortable with anything and everything but might also look like leaving particular items of clothing on, not touching certain body parts like genitals, chests, or other places that feel uncomfortable.
It could also mean touching parts of your body only in ways that feel affirming, for instance only touching the external parts of a vulva, vagina, or front hole, it could mean muffing, or could mean touching a penis or girldick only while making eye contact. You get to decide what feels right.
There’s nothing wrong with using toys or other objects by yourself or with a partner either, whether that’s a pack-and-play, a dildo, or other sex toy. If using toys or prosthetics works for you, there’s no reason to avoid them.
Whether you’re having sex with a trans or a cis person, you are allowed to stop, or change things up, or try something else, or ask for a little break and a cuddle, or some alone time. Even if it’s something you’re usually really into that is suddenly not fun this time. There are a lot of ways to look after yourself and your body, and all sorts of people have sex that sometimes doesn’t press the right buttons for that time, day or mood.
Sex should be about doing things that make you feel good.
Disclosure
When we have sex with people, whether it’s a long term romance or a Summer fling, we let people into knowledge about our bodies that many of us keep private from most other people. Depending on the kinds of sex we want to have, and with whom, for trans people this disclosure not only includes what we might want from sexual partners, it can also intrinsically include things like what surgeries we’ve had and what our bodies look like.
While you don’t owe anyone any information you don’t want to give them, it can be helpful to figure out what you do want to share, and how and when you will share it with them before you have sex. This might mean having a conversation while still at a bar on a date, or being up front and messaging someone on an app, or dropping it into a non-sex related conversation and see how someone responds. Prepare yourself for the odd cringe moment and remember that you don’t have to educate everyone that you’re interested in, or who is interested in you – boundaries are great.
When someone says no, that’s okay too so don’t push it. Consent means respecting either party not being up for sex. Remember, disclosure is about you, not the person you’re telling. It’s about your safety, you getting to control knowledge and information, and you being able to ask for what you want.
For more information about consent and communication, read on.
Consent & Communication
Illustration by Hilde Atalanta/You’re Welcome Club
Sex isn’t for everyone, and even for those who are comfortable having it, talking about it can still be awkward. However, being able to talk openly about the sex we’ve had, are having, or want to have is a great way of making sure we’re getting everything we want to out of it, and not doing anything we don’t want to do.
Consent is sexy, and essential
Consent means that you and everyone else involved in an activity (i.e. sex) want to be doing what you’re doing. Consent is often used to talk about how we have sex with people, and it means a mutual agreement between two or more people to do something together. Consent means that an act or action is expected, wanted, enjoyed and able to be stopped at any point without worry.
Consent isn’t something you agree on once and then get on with it, but a process that takes place before, during and even after sex, and what it looks like might change gradually or suddenly depending on a whole range of factors.
Consent is important and necessary not just because it allows us to know what our own wants, needs and boundaries are, but also to be able to communicate these to other people.
Getting consent doesn’t require a boring “yes” or “no”, but can rather play in the world of “god yes”, “not right now”, “let me think about it”, “next time”, and “let’s talk about it later, right now I want to keep doing this!”
No matter how your conversations go, and what you get up to, it’s important to remember that sex is meant to be a fun and enjoyable thing. If you ever feel like you’re under pressure to do something you don’t want to do or feel able to, or that someone is not always taking your needs, wants and consent into account, check out this page.
Learning to talk about it
Being able to talk about what we want is an important skill to practice, because it also helps us articulate to ourselves what we want and don’t want, and to recognise when something is really good, or not good at all. This doesn’t mean that you’re not open to surprises, or trying new things, but that you are intentional about it, and feel able to bring up when something that didn’t go the way you planned.
For trans people, communication – before, during, and after sex – is a great way to look after ourselves and our bodies, particularly if sex interacts with gender euphoria or dysphoria.
Communication might look like flirting or sexting, stopping sex to talk about something you want to try, letting someone know your interests, limits and boundaries, asking someone not to touch particular parts of your body, asking to change positions or to stay in the same one, setting up a safe word or words for letting someone know when you’re done, and far more.
Communication helps us be active participants in our sex lives, advocating for what feels good and fun, and letting others know what you’re not keen on. If it feels comfortable and private, there’s no wrong place to communicate about sex with a lover or partner, but the following are some ways to make it a bit easier:
Bring up a subject over dinner so you can talk about it at length and not feel the pressure of talking while you’re both getting undressed or being worried about changing the mood.
Let someone know that you want to try something new, and want to discuss it at some point afterwards to check in.
Write down what you want to say, whether on paper to show them, or in an email or text. In person is often best if you feel up to it though.
Talking about sex and sexual health can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming, or uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t make you feel unsafe or worried about your relationship. If you’re concerned about not being able to communicate in your relationship, check out this page.
Understanding non-consent
Consent is an important and necessary part of any sexual encounter, not just because it allows us to know what we want, but also what we don’t want. While sometimes you immediately know if something isn’t consensual, it can sometimes be difficult to know if consent was present or not, or to know how you feel about it. These kinds of complex feelings are normal, and it’s reasonable to take time to figure out where you sit.
If this occurs with a regular sexual partner or friend, it can be good to ask for some space, or at least to stop having sex while you figure out how you feel. Sometimes consent is broken in small ways, and it can feel good to let a person know that was the case, such as having a conversation along the lines of:
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about the sex we had a couple of weeks ago and I’ve realised that I didn’t feel like I was able to consent fully to what was happening. I’d like to talk about how we can make sure that doesn’t happen again”
However, sometimes a violation of consent can feel much bigger or more difficult. Whatever you have experienced, and whenever it occurred, being subject to sexual assault or coercion is a crime and is never your fault. For more information about this, visit our Sexual Assault & Coercion page.
Libido
Libido, or sex drive, is not just the feeling of being and staying aroused, it also relates to the want and enjoyment of being aroused as well.
Trans and gender diverse people may experience libido changes for a range of reasons, from hormonal therapies, to feeling comfortable or uncomfortable in our bodies at different points, to other physiological or emotional reasons that are not related to being trans.
It is a myth that men have high libidos and women have low libidos. People of all genders and bodies have different and differing libidos throughout their lives. Having a particular libido says no more about your gender than what you had for lunch.
Libido and hormonal affirmation
Many trans and gender diverse people, who access medical affirmation, find it affects their libido. For some people this looks like a decrease in libido, for others an increase in libido. Some report a complete shift in what their libido feels like entirely, others report no change at all.
Commonly, people who are on testosterone report an increase in libido, and people who are on estrogen report a decrease in libido, though your mileage may vary.
Changing your hormones
Just because a certain hormone affects your libido, doesn’t mean you have to be happy with it. Trans and gender diverse people can and do change what kinds of hormonal regimes we’re on for sexuality and sex-related reasons, including the type, variation, and dose. Working with your doctor to alter your hormones is a great way of going about this.
You shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable with your libido, whether it’s too high or too low. You deserve to be comfortable in your body and your sex drive.
Virginity
There are strong societal pressures about what virginity is and what happens when you ‘lose it’. It can be really helpful to talk about what it means, and doesn’t mean, for you and your sex life.
Myths about a first sexual experience include that it only counts with cis heterosexual ‘penis-in-vagina’ sex, that there’s something wrong with you if it hasn’t happened, that it will be painful or bad, that it can only happen once, and even that it has to be a really big deal.
Really, virginity can be whatever we want it to be. Maybe it’s a big deal and you’re excited to do it with someone you love, or perhaps you don’t care so much and are happy to have sex with whoever you end up having it with, or maybe you’ve had sex before but not with these body parts, or since affirming your gender in some other way. These are all really great ways to think about virginity as something that you get to play with and enjoy and not just get through.
It’s also great to challenge the idea that virginity is something that we lose to another person. Instead, we can think about it being something that we give to someone, or share with them.
Learning to live in and love our bodies can be a process, and thinking about how you might (or might not) decide to share yourself with others in ways that feel positive and beautiful is powerful and important.
References & Links
Say It Out Loud - ACON
Information about healthier relationships between trans women/femmes & cis men - Transfemme
Scarleteen – one of our favourite sex ed sites
Active Listening: a communication resource - Gender Minorities Aotearoa
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship Dynamic - Gender Minorities Aotearoa
It’s Your Choice: Personal Autonomy in a Relationship - Gender Minorities Aotearoa
7 Things to Know About Birth Control If You Are Transgender or Nonbinary - Teen Vogue
Why trans men, nonbinary, and genderqueer people use birth control - Clue
How to Have Sex if You’re Queer: What to Know About Protection, Consent, and What Queer Sex Means – Teen Vogue
LGBTQIA Safe Sex Guide – Healthline
A Guide to Muffing: The Hidden Way to Finger Trans Women – Vice
Trans and Gender Diverse People’s Dating App Use: Safety and Wellbeing Factsheet – Swinburne University of Technology
