Being able to communicate can be key to our wellbeing, it forms the backbone of how we find and exist in community. To be able to express ourselves and be heard, as well as to listen and be there for other people, is vital.
We all have different ways of communicating, so itโs inevitable that sometimes even with good intentions we might not connect with people as well as weโd hoped to, or we may have to work through miscommunications or frustration.
There are many different communication styles, not all of these will work for you, but knowing what they are and how they work can help us feel better prepared for all kinds of conversations.
Thinking about how we communicate, and how we like to be communicated with, can help address possible frustrations before they even come up.
Here are some examples of communication tools that could be useful for you. Have a think about how you might use them to support people close to you, or to share with those close to you about how youโd like to be communicated with.
Active Listening
Active listening is listening without interruption, or making assumptions. By hearing a person we are talking with, the more likely they are to hear us in return. Things that make for great active listening are:
- Paying attention, such as by looking at them if you feel comfortable with that, avoiding distractions like phones or other conversations, and avoiding preparing what youโre going to say next in your head.
- Showing them that youโre listening, such as using your body language or comments to encourage them (eg. saying โYeah totallyโ or โNo wayโ).
- Avoiding judgement, including not interrupting them with counter arguments or playing devilโs advocate.
- You may hear things you want to know more about, asking questions in an open way is often really helpful, more on open questions below.
Mirroring
Mirroring is reflecting what you heard someone say by repeating the sentiment or the words they used. It can feel a bit clunky, or even a bit scary at first, but the point isnโt to just repeat what they said, rather to show that you were listening and understood them.
This can be particularly useful if you are struggling to understand them, and by mirroring back what you think they mean, they can either agree, or explain it in a different way so you can understand. Itโs not about being wrong or right, but about making sure youโve got it.
Summarising
Summarising is similar to mirroring, but can be helpful particularly if someone is talking through something big or complex, or is struggling to get out what theyโre thinking or feeling. If someone is having a difficult time, letting them know that youโre getting what theyโre saying, or that youโre trying to understand, can be a really helpful thing.
Validating
Validating is letting someone know that theyโre heard and understood, without qualification. Validation is not about necessarily agreeing with what the person said, it is letting the person know that what they are saying makes sense from their point of view.
As trans people, we all know what it feels like to be invalidated or unheard by others, and validating someone is a simple and easy way of showing someone you trust their experience of themselves.
Open Questions
As well as responding with interest and care, asking questions can be a loving and validating way of communicating with someone. Asking closed questions are helpful for a yes/no answer but can otherwise feel like the listener is directing the conversation in a certain direction, or isnโt not open to what is being talking about.
Instead, by asking open ended questions, we can invite more descriptive responses and open discussion. This might mean asking about how someone thinks or feels about something more, or what they want to do next.
Empathy
Empathising is less of a tool, and more a function of open and connected communication. It is about really feeling where someone is coming from and trying to experience their point of view. Itโs a great way of showing you understand.
The process of feeling and showing empathy might include the tools above or others altogether, and is a valuable way of helping to reduce the shame or isolation someone might be having about how theyโre feeling.
Flagging if youโre struggling
Developing skills to communicate with others can be helpful, but isnโt always easy. Sometimes the best way to deal with this is to just say so, and let them know that you are interested or want to be there for them verbally.
Managing emotions
When our needs arenโt being met, we might feel a range of ways, including annoyed, confused, disconnected, sad, angry, tense, or more. Itโs completely reasonable to feel what you feel, but how we channel those feelings into our actions and responses doesnโt have to be set in stone.
When you feel this way, it can be a valuable reminder to stop, take a deep breath and be still for 30 seconds (counting to 30 can really help). Give yourself time and space to respond. See if you can identify and understand what is causing the feelings, and think of ways to address that, whether itโs by having a question answered, taking a break, or checking in with a counsellor or trusted friend.
As our friends at Trans Rights BC say, instead try to “connect your feeling to what you need. Here are some common needs: connection, belonging, love, appreciation, physical well-being, honesty, joy, humour, equality, beauty, choice, freedom, challenge, growth, and learning. Make requests based on what you need.โ
Oh okay sure, thanks for letting me know. Iโll see you in a minute.
Choosing your medium
We all have preferences for the ways we communicate, and for some it may be difficult to communicate outside of those preferences. When talking with someone, particularly someone new in your life, you can check in about how you like to have different conversations, such as emotional check-ins, casual chats or banter, or serious discussions.
Choosing the medium of the conversation can include where youโre talking (at someoneโs house, out in public like at a park or going for a walk, over video chat or over the phone, or via text, and it can also include what boundaries you need around the conversation, eg. Having a relationship check in at the start of a romantic date together, or not having big conversations when youโre just home from work.
This is just a list to get you started โ there are as many ways to communicate with each other as there are people to communicate with.
Thinking about our preferences
Itโs helpful to think about how you prefer to communicate. The tools above are a useful guide, but that doesnโt mean all of them are going to feel right for you.
Try sitting down and writing a list from the two columns below, one side for the communication you like, and the other side for ways you donโt like to communicate. Like a lot of the activities throughout this toolkit, you can do this alone, or share this with people in your life to help them understand you even better. You can even do these activities together to learn more about each other.
Weโve put an example below to help get you started.
Communication Styles I like
I prefer to have intense conversations face to face instead of texting. I like when someone summarises what they think I meant, as it makes me feel really listened to. Difficult conversations feel easier if weโre both facing away from each other (like sitting on a park bench or in a car).
Communication styles I donโt like
When Iโm talking about a problem Iโm having and someone interrupts to talk about their experiences. Talking on the phone about anything other than logistics. Talking while eating / mouth full of food is a huge yuck for me!
Remember, while these tools are helpful, communication is really about people, and so may likely change over time, or as you grow closer or further away from someone, or just get to know their style better.
