Young children

It’s likely that there aren’t more trans young people today than in previous decades, but that young people have better access to information that allows them to understand their feelings, and have the confidence to tell others so they no longer have to hide who they are.

It’s amazing to think that we live in a time and place where young people feel more able to share this truth about themselves with their friends and family than maybe ever before, but that also means that there is work to be done in supporting and caring for them.

A great thing about affirming children who are trans, or even gender expansive, is that young people have many options, and those around them can support their gender affirmation in many ways. Often people think first of medical or surgical interventions, but for many young people, these options are much further down the track, and are almost never the first course of action.

We know that even small forms of social affirmation can make a huge difference in the lives of young trans people. Social affirmation can involve changes to hair, clothes, name, pronouns and sometimes activities that a young person may do. Support from parents can be as simple as helping make these changes happen - from buying new clothes, to working with your child’s school to facilitate your young person’s affirmation process - download our guide on supporting trans young people in school, here.

Some young people may explore and choose to affirm their gender socially (clothes, hair, pronouns etc), others may choose to access medical affirmation (eg. puberty blockers, hormone therapy) and some may seek surgical affirmation, though not every trans person will choose to do all or any of these. Supporting your young person through this process can help them make informed choices about their health care.

Some young people may find the support of mental health professionals, social support from their peers or a mix of both as part of their journey to fully realising who they are.

This page was developed in collaboration with Parents of Gender Diverse Children.

Being an ally can’t be summed up with a list, but the below points are a great start.

Being their first and biggest ally

The most important and amazing thing about being invited in to the inner life of a young person is that you have a chance to make a big difference to their wellbeing, and make sure they know how loved they are. Using their pronouns, chosen name, questioning your assumptions and maybe arranging a great big cake in celebration of this wonderful little person can be life changing for everyone.

This might look like being there for them at home, supporting them to affirm their gender with the other adults and family in their life, at school, and in the activities they do in their spare time. You may find yourself educating and answering the questions of those around you, and setting appropriate boundaries so that your young person doesn’t have to.

This can also be a challenging and scary time for parents. It can sometimes feel like wading deep into unknown territory without a roadmap or complete set of information and instructions.

Don’t ever underestimate how much being a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on and a champion in their corner can be, especially if you’re the first to be allowed to do so.

Listening and learning

One of the greatest skills of any ally is the ability to listen.

Just like anyone else, no two trans people will be the same, with varying wants, needs and hopes. Learning about the experiences of other trans people, and other trans children is a great first step, but the next step is to not assume that the young person in your life will want all of the same things.

The concept of being an ‘ally’ says that we are not all the same, but that these differences are things we can be proud of, seek to understand, and champion without compromise.

However, we can’t truly know what those differences are, and what exactly the experience of the young person in your life is without asking them.  Create a safe space for them to feel like they can confide in you and that you will answer honestly, openly, and will listen without judgement.

Name & pronouns

By actively using the name and pronouns of your young person you send a powerful indication of your support and respect. It isn’t always easy to make the change - but it is an important step, and one that can be life changing. This frequent, everyday affirmation signals your support to your young person. You may be the first person to have used this affirming language with them and it is one of the most important supportive messages you can give.

It can be difficult to use the correct name and pronouns at first, and you will almost certainly slip up. It’s important when this happens, to quickly and sincerely apologise, but not dwell on the mistake you made. Instead pick up where you left off, use the correct language, and work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It can sometimes be difficult to shift to using neutral pronouns like ‘they’ and ‘them’ for someone, even though we’ve been using them in the English language for centuries. You can read more about pronouns on our page here.

Names and pronouns are important but it’s most important to take on the process of shifting how you see and think of your trans child, not just trying to remember the correct name and pronouns. As you grow used to using a new name and pronouns, become more aware and informed, speak more with your young person and your own support networks, your shift in understanding will make this process feel more familiar.

Supporting trans people in research

One simple thing any ally can do is to write to researchers or event coordinators who aren’t collecting gender information in a way that supports trans people and reflects best practice, eg. If question asks if your gender is “Male, Female or Transgender”. We’ve prepared a letter available below that you can edit for your specific situation and send in.

It’s great to learn ways to generally support trans people, but what about some practical things you can suggest or do for the young trans or gender diverse people in your life?

Start by celebrating

Before anything else, whether they’re discussions about practicalities or talking about feelings, make sure the trans young person in your life knows you’re on their team. Affirming their identity with a special little dinner, or a party that they help you host, or just baking a cake so you begin from a place of celebration.

Haircuts

For something that everyone has in some capacity, people read a lot into the hair we have and what it might say about us. As a result, small changes like cutting hair into a different style, or letting it grow out can be very affirming things.

Changing one’s hair is a form of social gender affirmation, ie. It doesn’t require any medical or legal intervention to do so, and is also able to be grown out or cut again at any point.

It can also be helpful to affirm to the young people in your life, of all genders, that hair doesn’t have a gender. Long hair doesn’t make someone a girl, and short hair doesn’t make someone a boy. Note, this is not a reason to not allow someone to make affirming decisions about their hair, rather a helpful framing for others.

Read more about haircuts and social affirmation here.

Clothes

Like hair, clothes are something that most people carry with us everywhere, and are often read by others in gendered ways. Because of this, clothing is a place that young people can engage in forms of gender affirmation and exploration.

This might include having multiple options for dressups, and encouraging anyone who plays with them to not associate gender with a particular outfit, or asking family and friends for hand-me-downs from young people of multiple genders rather than just one, or taking the young person in your life out to shop for something they really want to wear irrespective of what section of the shop it is in.

Pointing out that people of all genders wear all sorts of clothing, and that there isn’t a binary of pants vs skirts, or flat shoes vs high heels, can be helpful too. Fabric, clothing, hairstyles and jewellery don’t have genders, people do.

Sometimes it is not possible to change the entire contents of your young person’s wardrobe overnight so that it matches their affirmed gender.  There may be many reasons why this cannot happen instantly, and this could be difficult for your young person to comprehend. It may be interpreted as a lack of support, so it is important to have a discussion about what is possible and practical and maybe negotiate a compromise.

Perhaps a trip to a op shop might help, an option to purchase some accessories or items that are affirming but affordable.  There may be time and financial constraints with accessing binders or packers - so options may need to be explored.

Clothing, dress and how a person looks to the outside world can be an extremely important factor in a young person’s wellbeing.

Read more about clothes and social affirmation here.

There are many ways to be a great ally, and some things to try and avoid when affirming the trans people in your life.

Taking out your immediate feelings on your family member

It’s okay to be confused, or hurt, or frustrated. Strong and immediate emotions are normal reactions to change, but it’s important to take these immediate and strong emotions to a mental health professional, doctor, or trusted friend.

That initial gut reaction may not be how you feel at all, and may shift after you do some research, or take time for further thinking or processing. There are great services to connect to that can provide peer support.

Some family members struggle with a sense of grief or loss, which you can read more about here.

Centering your struggle

Sometimes it can feel difficult or overwhelming to be a good ally to someone through their gender affirmation, not because of their gender, but because supporting anyone through any sort of life change can be difficult.

It would be no different for any other big change they (or you) might undergo. However, it’s important to not direct these feelings at the trans person in your life, or to take it out on them.

When there are young people in our lives who want to do something that feels scary, big, or could lead to them being hurt by others, it makes sense that wanting to protect them can be central to your experience. You might also feel like it’s a mistake, or too soon. However, even while they are very perceptive, young people may struggle to read the difference between your apprehension and your disapproval, and feel like their experience is wrong or shameful as a result. Finding support from other parents who have had similar experiences, mental health professionals or friends can allow you to have a space to work through your own feelings and questions, and empower you to be able to support your young person.

What if this is just a phase?

A question asked by the families of a lot of trans young people is if the way they experience their gender is actually a phase, and what might happen to the young person if it is.

On the surface this is an understandable question, as it can seem like a big change and a big shift, but there’s a really easy answer: does it matter if it is?

Sometimes people will say “what happens if they change their mind? This all feels very sudden!”

Many young people work through their feelings and gender experience in their mind long before they disclose to others.  What may feel sudden to a parent, if often a well considered discussion they are choosing to have once they feel most confident and equipped to speak out.

What if it is a “phase”? Firstly this is extremely uncommon, but if it does happen then your child discovers that no matter what you’ve got their back, you were willing to support them through a period in their life where they found themselves uncertain and they know that you were there for them.  As parents we are there to provide guidance, support and love our kids.

Creating the kind of family environment that rewards and supports a child’s sense of curiosity, discovery, and identity can only go on to help them become a more self-assured and loved person as they grow up, no matter what their gender is or may be.

Loving and supporting the gender expansive young person in your life can only go to help them know you’ll be on their team, no matter what their path in life looks like, or who they grow up to be.

You can download our resource on talking about the trans people in your life, here.

When telling others about a family member’s gender, or the ways in which they’re changing, it’s important to take into account what they may or may not want others to know. This is not about keeping secrets from other people, or not being able to share your feelings and difficulties, but respecting the privacy of your young person, your family, and what you are all going through.

For young people, it can be difficult for them to understand why you can’t keep something a secret, especially if they’re scared about other people’s reactions, or already have done a tough thing by telling you.

Honesty is key here - it’s okay to expect to have to talk to others, but letting the young person in your life know that you’re going to do so can go a long way, eg. “Thank you for telling me, I might have to talk to your other parent / a friend / my therapist about this, but we won’t tell anyone else unless you’re okay with it.”

Especially when you meet other parents of trans people, it can be a really helpful and comforting thing to share that you also have kids who are going through a similar time, and share advice, experiences, and support. However, thinking about how much your young person might want you to share can be helpful, eg. Sharing their actual gender but not their presumed gender, or framing your conversations from the perspective of your feelings and experiences rather than details of your young person.

Checking in about what your trans young person you know is comfortable with, and having a conversation about who and why you’d like to share information with can help them feel like they’re a bit more in control, or at least trust that you’ll let them know what you’re telling others.