Adults

Being an ally to trans people of any age is similar, but every person’s life, needs, and wants will look different. Whether the trans person in your life is a parent, a child, an extended family member, part of your chosen family, or something else, this page covers a range of ways you can support them, wherever they are at.

For some trans people, navigating new social and professional circles while also figuring out not only who they are, but how their gender can and will be expressed, is exhausting. This can be especially difficult for people who have been known by an old name, or considered a different gender, for a long time, including in social groups and at work. Your love and support will go a long way.

This might feel rushed, or sudden, but it’s likely your family member has thought about this for a long time before coming out to you. For some people it may be that you are among the first people they are opening up to. This may mean that when they come to you they may be fearful, struggling or feeling overwhelmed. 

Supporting any family member as they affirm their gender can require a lot of learning and new information, and perhaps even being challenged in ways you didn’t expect, but the impact of doing this work is valuable and validating.

Being an ally can’t be summed up with a list, but the below points are a great start.

Being their first and biggest ally

The most important and amazing thing about being invited into the inner life of your family member is that you have a chance to make a big difference to their well being by making sure they know how loved they are.

This might look like being there for them at home, helping support how they affirm and express themselves in their life, educating the people around you so they don’t have to, practicing your own use of language and questioning your assumptions, or simply celebrating who they are with a big cake.

This can be a challenging and scary time. Being faced with big changes in the life of a loved one can sometimes feel like wading deep into unknown territory without a roadmap or complete set of information. . 

Don’t underestimate how much being a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on and a champion in their corner can be, especially if you’re the first to be invited to do so.

Listening and learning

One of the greatest skills of any ally is the ability to listen.

Just like anyone else, no two trans people will be the same, with varying wants, needs and hopes. Learning about the experiences of other trans people is a great first step, but the next step is to not assume that the person in your life will want all of the same things.

The concept of being an ‘ally’ says that we are not all the same, but that these differences are things we can be proud of, seek to understand, and champion without compromise. However, we can’t truly know what those differences are, and what exactly the experience of your family member is without asking them, creating space for them to feel like they can answer honestly, and listening to them without judgement.

Name & pronouns

By actively using the name and pronouns of your family member you can send a powerful indication of respect and care. It isn’t always easy to make the change - but it is an important step, and one that can be life changing. This frequent, everyday affirmation signals your support to them, and the people around you, some of whom may be struggling with it too. You may be the first person to have used this affirming language with them and it is one of the most important supportive messages you can give.

It can be difficult to use the correct name and pronouns at first, and you will almost certainly slip up. It’s important when this happens, to quickly and sincerely apologise, but not dwell on the mistake you made. Instead pick up where you left off, use the correct language, and work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It can sometimes be difficult to shift to using neutral pronouns like they/them for someone, even though we’ve been using them in the English language for centuries. You can read more about pronouns on our page here.

Names and pronouns are important but it’s most important to take on the process of shifting how you see and think of your trans family member, not just trying to remember the correct name and pronouns. As you grow used to using a new name and pronouns, become more aware and informed, speak more with your family member and your own support networks, your shift in understanding will make this process feel more familiar.

Supporting trans people in research

One simple thing any ally can do is to write to researchers or event coordinators who aren’t collecting gender information in a way that supports trans people and reflects best practice, eg. If a question asks if your gender is “Male, Female or Transgender”. 

ACON’s recommendations for appropriately collecting demographic information on surveys and forms can be found here.

It’s great to learn ways to generally support trans people, below are some practical ideas you can suggest or do for the trans or gender diverse person in your family.

Start by celebrating

Before anything else, whether it is a discussion about practicalities or talking about feelings, make sure the trans person in your life knows you’re on their team. Affirming their identity with a special dinner, or a party that they help you host, or just baking a cake so you begin from a place of celebration.

Ask what they need

The way we can support our trans family members will differ greatly based on their needs and wants, and your relationship with them. Start with a conversation, and ask what they want and expect from you. This can be a great opportunity to also talk about your own boundaries, and find solutions and compromises if you’re not able to support them the way that they’re hoping you might.

The gift that keeps on giving

Your family member may be seeking to legally affirm their gender by updating the name and gender marker on their birth certificate and/or other important ID and documents. A great way to demonstrate your support is to cover the cost of these updates.

There are many ways to be a great ally, and some things to try and avoid when affirming the trans people in your life.

Taking out your immediate feelings on your family member

It’s okay to be confused, or hurt, or frustrated. Strong and immediate emotions are normal reactions to change, but it’s important to take these immediate and strong emotions to a mental health professional, doctor, or trusted friend. The Trans Pride Australia Allies group on Facebook is a great place to talk to people who are in a similar place to you.

That initial gut reaction may not be how you feel at all, and may shift after you do some research, or take time for further thinking or processing. There are great services to connect to that can provide peer support. 

Some family members struggle with a sense of grief or loss, which you can read more about here.

Centering your struggle

Sometimes it can feel difficult or overwhelming to be a good ally to someone through their gender affirmation, not because of their gender, but because supporting anyone through any sort of life change can be difficult.

It would be no different for any other big change they (or you) might undergo. However, it’s important to not direct these feelings at the trans person in your life, or to take it out on them.

When there are people in our lives who want to do something that feels scary, big, or could lead to them being hurt by others, it makes sense that wanting to protect them can be central to your experience. You might also feel like it’s a mistake, or that they haven’t considered all the options.

However, your family member may struggle to read the difference between apprehension and your disapproval, and feel like you believe their experience is wrong or shameful as a result. Finding support from other people who have had similar experiences, mental health professionals or friends can allow you to have a space to work through your own feelings and questions, and empower you to be able to support the people in your life.

You can download our resource on talking about the trans people in your life, here.

When telling others about a family member’s gender, or the ways in which they’re changing, it’s important to take into account what they may or may not want others to know. This is not about keeping secrets from other people, or not being able to share your feelings, but respecting the privacy of your family, and what you are all going through.

Honesty is key here - it’s okay to expect to have to talk to others, but letting your trans family member know that you’re going to do so can go a long way, eg. “Thank you for telling me, I might have to talk to a friend / my therapist about this, but I won’t tell anyone else unless you’re okay with it.”

It can be comforting and helpful to share with other people who are going through the same experience as you, but consider how this may impact upon the privacy of your family. If you do talk about the subject to people you know, consider framing the conversation around your feelings and experiences, rather than providing details about the trans person in your life and their affirmation.